#finalfight, circa 2005. (Originally published 16/08/2005.)

Elfin: Hey memo, remember that time you left #finalfight for ever and never, ever came back because no one likes you and you stink like shit?
Eschelon: Oh boy, those were the days.
* Eschelon is now known as memo
Elfin: Yeah, good times.
Exdeath: And then you set out on an expedition to the frozen North to find memo and bring him back.
Exdeath: You had to eat five sled dogs, if I remember correctly.
Elfin: No, I didn't actually. Becuase no one likes memo, and no one would rescue him. In fact, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. Don't tell him I said that, though.
memo: That was right after we took the photos of you masturbating an antelope and printed out a bunch to sell them on street corners for ten cents, if I remember.
memo: What we really should have done -- and I'm still kicking myself for not thinking of this at the time -- is locked you into a cage with an antelope and travelled the countryside with the circus so you could masturbate it for a live audience. We'd get much more than ten cents a head that way.
memo: Oh well, live and learn.
Elfin: You always think of these things too late.
Exdeath: I can imagine the billboards now.
Elfin: I can think of the billboards too! We could advertise it as 'The World's Biggest Cunt!' and all the men come along, thinking they're going to see a gaping vagina, but instead the curtains part to reveal memo, standing on a small dais. Technically, it's not false advertising.
Exdeath: You have to make him take his pants off, though.
Elfin: Good idea. Two for one sort of deal. 'World's Biggest Cunt' and 'World's Smallest Dick' together under one roof!
memo: I'm considering this offer but I want to make sure I get a fair cut of the profits and sole rights to endorsement deals.
Exdeath: You could have a line of decorative mugs.
memo: Last time I did a World's Biggest Cunt tour the fucking thieves cited a contract clause entitling them to 60% of my Mountain Dew deal. We're not having that shit here.
Elfin: memo, you know I wouldn't screw you in a business deal. You're the cunt, you get most of the proceedings.
Exdeath: DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES
Elfin: Well I never.
Exdeath: HE WILL STAB YOU AND BEAT YOU AND RAPE YOU AND LEAVE YOU NAKED AND SHIVERING IN A SLUM ALLEYWAY
memo: What, a fifth time? I'm sure he's bored of it by now.
Elfin: I have believed in memo as a genuine cunt for years, Exdeath, and you come along and just think you can break the bond that he and I share?
Exdeath: But if you stab him again it'll flare up his illness.
Elfin: Perhaps the two of you could do a comedy duo routine, as 'Cunt & Asshole'. The tagline could be 'One's full of shit, and the other is a bit fishy, but their comedy is golden!'
memo: Come along with us as "Useless Fucking Shithead" and I think we've got a deal.